


It was true. He always did love me

by PeachyYoonmin



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Ashton wants to be like Luke, Body Image, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Paranoia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, it gets happier at the end i promise, its a little sad though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 23:31:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7661443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyYoonmin/pseuds/PeachyYoonmin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My friend Emma asks me to come up with Mashton fics over facebook pm...but this one's a little dark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It was true. He always did love me

"Thank you! We're 5 Seconds Of Summer. We Love You, GOODNIGHT!" And the lights went down. 

The van rolled in outside the back entrance of the venue. 5 Seconds Of Summer had just finished their set at one of the biggest venues of their career; Madison Square Garden. The 4 boys piled in, Ashton notably the most exhausted after the show they just played. He had a mixture of annoyance, and tiredness plastered across his face; the first sign that something wasn't right.

The small van transporting them to their hotel of choice was filled with radiating energy...except for Ashton. Michael was bouncing up and down in his seat, Calum was checking over their indirects about tonight, and Luke was squealing over the phone to Liz. But the smaller boy just sat there; gazing out the window. The trip dragged out for what seemed like years. The distant giggles, screams, and laughs fading into nothingness. Why was he like this? He just played Madison fucking Square Garden, he's been dreaming of this moment for years...but now it's over. Now what? There's no dreams left to fulfill. There's no expectations or standards left for them to set. They were worth nothing, now. They had no purpose anymore.

They finally arrived at their hotel; fans busting from either side to get a glimpse of the boys as they dragged their tired bodies towards the entrance. As they went their separate ways, Michael fumbled with the keys to the door and flopped down onto the bed as soon as they got in. "Are you okay, Ashy?" Michael's face fell a little as he felt the anxious and almost depressing vibes coming off Ashton. His body was hung over the bed; His legs bent over and hanging over the edge. Ashton used all the energy left in his body to turn around and not cry looking at Michael. Michael. The boy he loved. The boy who loved Luke more than him. With his slim figure and angelic voice. 

"Yeah, Yeah Mikey, I'm all good, just a little tired, thats all" Yeah, he thought to himself, tired of all of this. "I'm gonna go and shower" He saw the blonde nod and he made his way over to his suitcase, grabbing his towel, shampoo, body wash, and a small box which he hid between the towel. He slowly shut and locked the door behind him. The mirror on the other side of the room was threatening him. The voices getting louder. How could he ever be perfect enough for Michael? He needed to be thinner. Like him. Like Luke. He ran the sink's faucet loud and kneeled over the toilet, throwing his things on the floor. Opening the lid with one hand, he plunged two of his fingers deep down into his throat. His eyes began to water as he retched and his body convulsed forward; vomit leaking around his already slim fingers. He heard a knock at the door. "Ash? You okay?" It was Michael. "Yeah, I'm fine Mikey, just felt a little nauseous. Warm weather and all that". Michael must've gotten the message because he didn't reply again. Maybe he knew what he was doing. Maybe he was just ignoring him. ...Maybe he was texting Luke. He wiggled his fingers again; more vomit rising and leaving Ashton shaking. 

After he felt empty, he flushed the toilet and washed his face. Looking up into the mirror again; his were eyes red and swollen from the crying. 

Ashton stripped down; the cold air hitting his sweaty body. He picked up his things back off the floor and placed them on the lid of the toilet; gently picking up the box and taking it in the bath with him. The water ran ice-cold as he stepped in and turned the faucet on. But he didn't care. He sunk deeper into the coldness before it began to slowly get warmer. He didn't see the point in deserving this bath. Or this hotel room. Or Michael. He didn't deserve the love he gets. "I don't deserve any of this" He whispered to himself.

A tear ran down his cheek as he sobbed and opened the lid to the box. All he needed. His teary eyes blurred out his vision, but that didn't prevent him seeing the block of white, and the shining metallic glisten at the bottom of the box. He placed the box on the side of the bath, and unfolded the scrappy piece of paper he had placed into the box. Laying it down on his towel in plain view, he returned back to the main event.

Ashton slid up against the bath and glared at the shard of metal laying between his fingers. His mind flashed back to all the moments he wanted to forget. None of them compared to this one, though. As he closed his eyes, all he could see was him. Michael. He lets the moment play over and over; his soft pink lips making his way closer to his. Michael's hand tangling in his blonde hair. ...His teeth catching on that god-dammed fucking lip ring. That was enough. The tears streamed down his face as the glistening silver was dragged across his wrist. "I don't care" Another slice. "I'm not gay" Another Slice. "I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL!" He screamed; his hand flew down and the blade pierced deep into his arm. His face was red and the tears wouldn't stop.

Blood streamed down his wrists and bled into the water. He looked to see the blood on the side of the bath that splattered when he cut the last time.

"ashton?" Michael's voice could be heard outside faintly. "Ash, open the door" No response. "Ashton, let me in" Ashton went to get out the water, but as the water got darker, so did his vision. "ASHTON OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR". Michael's foot slammed the door open. His heart dropped into the ground as he saw. Ashton lay in the bath surrounded in red. Michael stepped closer, slowly coming into contact with the pale boy. His shaking fingers lifted his arm up from under the water to reveal 3 deep new cuts. As he lifted the arm higher, Michael felt his throat burn; puking into the trash can beside the sink. Scattered across Ashton's wrists, were old cuts; where he usually wore his sweatbands.

Michael noticed the note on Ashton's towel, and read it word for word.

"Michael.  
Since you're my roommate, I thought I'd address this to you. I'm so sorry.  
I couldn't handle any of this anymore...it was too much. By the time you're reading this, I'm hopefully already gone and forgotten.  
So I'll tell you this: I did this for you.  
I couldn't handle seeing you with Luke while you thought I wasn't there. I know we aren't a thing...but...I wish we were.  
I loved you Mikey. I'm sorry"

He burst into tears as he read the last part out loud.

"I'll always love you and watch over you, Michael.  
I'll still be there with you, just watching from afar.  
I love you and I wish you and the band the best.  
Ash Xx"

Mikey's panic set in as he snapped himself out of it and picked up his limp friend

"You're not fucking leaving me, Ash. I swear to fucking god" Michael ran into the bedroom and picked up his mobile, dialing Luke and waiting for an answer. "Hel-" Michael almost sobbed in relief. "Luke. Ash. He's-we need to go to the hospital. NOW." it was a few seconds before Luke and Calum ran into the room and almost passed out as the sight. They rushed to hospital, Michael crying into Calum's shoulder. Luke thread a hand through his blonde hair as he paced back and forth waiting for 911 to pick up. The hotel was surrounded by worried fans and paparazzi as the sound of sirens filled the air. 

"What's happened hon? Can you tell me some details?" Michael tried to speak, but cried out loud into Calum again. "His name is Ashton Irwin. 22 Years old. We think he was suffering from depression, but he never really spoke about it" The words blurred into slurs as Michael watched Ashton's still naked body being hurled up onto a stretcher and covered by a sheet. The world wouldn't stop spinning. And then it stopped- Michael fell limp in Calum's arms. 

The whole ride there was a nightmare. Luke spoke to the paramedics, while Calum held a bucket for Michael.

It was no surprise to anyone when Michael threw up twice while in the waiting room. The first time was when he woke up again and was reminded of what happened. The second time, he actually made it to the bathroom. And not the chair/floor/trash can in the waiting room. Calum rubbed his back as Michael threw up most of his entire stomach contents. He was doing okay until he pulled back and Calum could see the spit and vomit clinging to his lip. He helped Michael wash his face, and went back out to the waiting room. 

He apologized to the nurse cleaning up, but she said she understood and gave him some water. He couldn't understand why Ashton would do such a thing. He was so happy and cheerful and the only time he ever noticed his mood dip was when he and Luk-. He slowly glared upwards at Luke.

"This is all YOUR fault!" Michael lunged towards Luke, grasping his shirt and pinning him against the wall.

"HOW IS THIS MY FAULT, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEVER TOLD HIM YOU LOVED HIM AND ACTED LIKE A DICK ABOUT IT!" Luke pushed Michael back against the chairs; the two of them landing on them and sending a set of the chairs back with a loud crash. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KISSED ME. IN FACT NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE ALWAYS BEEN FIRST TO KISS AND TRY AND MAKE CALUM AND ASH JEALOUS" Luke grabbed Michael by the neck. "YEAH WELL AT LEAST I WASN'T HIDING THE FACT I WAS GAY" and with that, Michael lifted his fist and- oh fuck.

Michael looked down at his friend. His lip busted from the punch. Michael freaked out and went to run away, but two nurses and Calum had already pulled the two apart

After calming down, Luke and Michael didn't even look at each other for an hour. "Look, just go in a-" Luke was cut off by a blood curdling scream coming from the wards. He knew that voice. "ASHTON?" Michael ran down the halls towards the room and saw Ashton squirming away from the IV they tried to hook him up to. He got to the door before a nurse blocked his entrance. "Sorry sweetie, family and partners only" Michael panicked "I need to see him he's my bandmate and my...my...my boyfriend" The nurse saw the fear in his eyes and let him through. "M-Michael?" Ashton looked up at him; terror lacing his words and the look of fear in his honey colored eyes. Michael walked around to Ashton and looked at the nurses. "I know how to help" he mouthed. The nurse nodded as she prepared the needle. Ashton wouldn't stop moving and- and then he did. The needle sunk in to his vein, but he barely felt it as Michael's warm soft lips kissed his. He melted into the kiss and before he knew it, it was over.

"Michael...I...what?" Ashton looked shocked as he took in what just happened. "I'll leave you two alone" She smiled, and shut the curtain. "Michael I...I'm so sorry" Ashton leaned in to michael and felt Michael's arms carefully wrap around him. "Shh, shh it's okay. Don't ever do that again, okay? I love you so much, Ashy" "I love you too Mikey" As the two kissed again, they were interrupted by Luke and Calum rushing in. "Is he alive? Is he okay? Is he breathing? DID SOMEONE. FIND HIM. CLOTHES?" Ashton laughed slightly. "I'm okay guys. I'm really sorry I put you through this. I really am. I was just so lonely and tired and sad. I couldn't go on" Michael leaned towards Ashton again and pulled him in for another kiss. "How can you be lonely when you a boyfriend?" Michael smiled, Ashton nearly cried, and Luke honestly nearly fell through the floor. "Boy...boyfriend?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna be here every day until you get better. You're gonna get through this, Ashy. I know you will"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A year later, Ashton and Michael are living together in LA in a large house with an amazing view of the sea. They're cuddled in bed as the sun is going down and Ashton looks amazing. The light is hitting him in all the right places. Michael lifts up Ashton's wrists and gently traces over the old scars on his boyfriend's body. Ash feels the bed get lighter as his boyfriend gets up and goes over to the old suitcase he took to the SLFL tour where they played MSG. 

He had never used it since. 

"Mikey? Babe?" Ashton looks confused as his boyfriend leaves the bed and goes over to the closet. Opening the doors, he pulls out a suitcase. The suitcase. Ashton recognizes it immediately. He watches Mikey as he bends down to unzip the compartment he never opened that night, and reveals a small box. Walking over to Ashton on the bed; his feet lightly patting against the amber colored wooden flooring from the sunset, he sits on the edge of the bed and looks his boyfriend in the eyes.

"Ashton Fletcher Irwin...I love you more than anyone in the world and always have. I never want to lose you. Will you marry me?" He opens the box to reveal a new-looking diamond ring. "Yes! Yes I will Mikey! I love you so much!" He let Mikey slide the ring onto his finger and kissed him as the sun finally went down.

it was at that moment as Ashton lay back to go to sleep in the arms of his fiancee, that he realized...Michael had never touched that suitcase since that gig. It was true. He always did love Ashton.


End file.
